Donald Trump Has Been Located!

Credit: CreativeCommons / Gage Skidmore.

“[Mexico] are sending people that have lots of problems, and they are bringing those problems to us. They are bringing drugs, and bringing crime, and they’re rapists.”

Donald Trump, June 16, 2015, Trump Tower, NYC,during announcement for presidential run

Trump later went on to declare that “I will win the Hispanic vote.” He has currently surged to the leader of the pack of 15 Republican hopefuls in national polls.
As a hot topic of discussion in political pundit circles, José Díaz-Balart, host of MSNBC’s The Rundown with José Díaz-Balart, brought up Trump’s claims and ever-increasing poll numbers on his show, Wednesday, July 15, 2015. Talking with his guest, Victoria DeFrancesco Soto — of the Center for Politics and Governance at the LBJ School of Public Affairs at the University of Texas — about a number of Trump’s claims regarding the Mexican government and Mexican people, Díaz-Balart asked, “When [Trump] says the U.S. is getting the short end of the stick, what’s he talking about?”
DeFrancesco Soto answered the question with a question many pundits have been pondering even prior to Trump’s entry into the race: “What planet is Donald on?”
Well, wonder no longer. The Donald has been located! In what was intended as a secret mission, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) broke silence by announcing today that Mr. Trump was launched into space over nine years ago aboard the New Horizons Spacecraft, which is currently passing the so-called dwarf planet of Pluto, some three billion miles from Earth. During that time, Mr. Trump has materialized on our planet as projected holographic images, hence the mechanism by which he could seem to appear in two places at once.
According to Trump onboard this truly historic space voyage, “I decided to enter this mission because second only to Mexican criminals and rapists, I knew many years ago that Plutonian illegal aliens would invade the United States one day bringing with them new diseases and spent nuclear fuel rods thus imperiling our great nation.” Trump explained that, “I paid my own way here since I am so rich, so very very rich.”
From the New Horizons Spacecraft, Mr. Trump sent back stunning pictures from Pluto, which he claims he took with his very expensive privately-own digital camera. He is in line to accumulate even greater wealth from the royalty payments generated from these historic images.
The next stage in the voyage of the spacecraft, according to NASA officials, is to drop Trump onto the celestial body of Pluto sometime this week. There, Trump has planned a number of major campaign-style appearances to warn Plutonians to cease and desist in their efforts to enter illegally the orbital territory of Neptune and the boarders of the United States.
Responding to reporters’ questions transmitted to the rocket, Trump asserted that he doesn’t dislike the Plutonian people, per se, but rather, he doesn’t trust their leaders whom he claims are corrupt.
“I will demand, first, that the Plutonian government stops crossing the orbit of Neptune, which it has done for twenty out of the last 248 years, thereby violating the orbitary and planetary sovereignty of Neptune. Second, I will push Plutonian leaders to construct an electrified field around their no-longer-considered-a-planet-but-merely-a-rock-circling-around-the-Sun at their own expense to prevent their criminal and diseased elements from escaping its atmosphere,” Trump demanded. “Because I am unafraid to speak the truth, if I were ever to run someday for Commander of Pluto,” he continued, “I’m certain the vast majority of Plutonians would vote for me, no doubt about it!”
When asked by reporters how he plans to return to the Earth since the New Horizons Spacecraft has already left our solar system, Trump laughed,
“Oh don’t worry about me. I have my ways. My people have constructed a wormhole portal under a shower stall on Pluto, which includes lighting and ventilation, and leads back directly to my massive penthouse suite in Trump Towers. So you will see me in the flesh at the Fox News-sponsored Republican candidates’ debate in August.”
The Donald is considering bringing back to Earth with him a beautiful young Plutonian woman. “I plan to marry her, well, at least after I divorce my third wife. In this way, I will show my high regards for family values in action. What could be a greater way to promote family values than by creating my forth family?!”
He said that while Jeb Bush married a Mexican-heritage woman, he will be the first U.S. presidential candidate to marry a woman from Pluto. He isn’t quite sure, however, whether the coupling will produce children. If it does, though, he argues that since the United States is now a post-racial and post-xenophobic nation, any of his possible future offspring will not suffer any sorts of obstacles from a biplanetary marriage.
Trump ended his onboard interview by claiming that his voyage was a “total win-win for me.” According to the billionaire,

“Some of my Republican rivals ventured to Europe in their attempts to build their foreign policy resumes. However, I was the first candidate for President of the United States to literally outdistance them by taking my message beyond planet Earth to the farthest reaches of our solar system. This will put me in the history books, even though I don’t crave that sort of attention. And I was the first to raise the issue of illegal Plutonian alien immigration, which my other Republican and Democratic rivals are too P.C. to bring up.”

Phoning home after his interview, Trump told Fox News that he is leading the national polls in the Republican field because he is the only one who has the courage to speak about what is really happening to the angry white Republican base. “I’m going to prove Santayana wrong,” he argued. “I am forgetting our history, and I am not destined to repeat it. This time, I will get different results because the majority of Hispanics will vote for me since I am talking trash about them and keeping them as well as Plutonians out of our great country.”
—
Dr. Warren J. Blumenfeld is author of Warren’s Words: Smart Commentary on Social Justice (Purple Press); editor of Homophobia: How We All Pay the Price (Beacon Press), co-author with Diane Raymond of Looking at Gay and Lesbian Life (Beacon Press), and co-editor of Readings for Diversity and Social Justice (Routledge) and Investigating Christian Privilege and Religious Oppression in the United States (Sense).