Credit: Creative Commons/ abon
American culture needs to develop a new language to describe relationships of love and commitment. Husband and wife are too narrow. Partner too broad. Boyfriend and girlfriend focus on young unmarried people.
For gays and lesbians they have had to rely on the use of “partners” or if gay, “husband,” or if lesbian, “wife.” I feel these are temporary terms as we struggle to find more fitting terms.
This is not just an issue for same sex couples. It is also an issue for heterosexual couples in committed relationships that are not traditional marriages.
My sister-in-law Jacquie and Srulik are in a committed relationship. However they have not married in a religious ceremony or civil ceremony.
When my sister-in-law once referred to Srulik as her partner, she saw either puzzlement or astonishment in the reactions of others. Was Jacquie now a lesbian? To use husband and wife might confuse people who might respond, “So when was the wedding?” or “So why were we not invited to the wedding?” We need to do better.
“Partner” has never reflected the love and commitment that these relationships deserve.
I suggest that we turn to the Jewish tradition of Song of Songs.
Song of Songs is accepted as the most superb book of love poetry. Our ancestors may begin to help us. Maybe by looking at our past, we can create a future.
In Song of Songs, there is no use of “husband” or “wife.” We hear “Tell me, my love, where you feed your sheep,” “how fine are you, my lover, what joy we have together,” “I choose you from all others,” and “Come with me, my love, come away.”
“My lover” today often refers to a relationship outside of marriage. “My love” is pretty good.
However, the most quoted line in Song of Songs is “I am to my beloved as my beloved is to me.” Beloved in this sense can be assigned to a committed relationship without regard to sex or gender, race or ethnicity or religion. This may be a way to start.
Tikkun readers are encouraged to share their preferences.
We will all be enriched as those who have sought marriage equality create new ways to express love and commitment.
Allen B. Saxe is a retired professor of anthropology. His beloved is Jessica Schorr Saxe. They live in Charlotte, NC.
“Beloved” is a beautful word to describe one’s relationship to the one person to which we have committed our life and love. Thank you Allen.
Yes! ‘Beloved’ is my favorite and most meaningful. I called my beloved husband “liebling” as he was Viennese and that was fitting and felt wonderful.
Thank you for all your thoughtfulness and good works, Allen.
Thank you, Allen. I’ve struggled to find the term of endearment or affection most fitting for my wife, Ellen. My ‘Beloved.’ albeit formal-sounding, is elegant and appropriate. Thanks for sharing. My best to Jacquie and Srulik and all in loving, committed relationships.
Thoughtful and moving.
Beautiful. At the end of the day, I want to be my family’s Beloved. Maybe my odd’s will improve if I start the day by calling my family “Beloved”.
“Beloved, please come here and help me fix this computer glitch…”
His response, “I don’t have a tombstone yet”. “
My beloved wife and I feel that to share love with another is so special that it has no boundaries!!
A very thoughtful suggestion for an awkward moment facing society.
Well said Allen. This is something I have thought about often. We put a lot of emphasis on titles, but often times they can be confusing and/or inaccurate.
Very thoughtful, Allen. You beat the buzzer on this issue.
Perfectly lovey and thoughtfully loving. Thank you for addressing this. Allen, you are a treasure.
Yes
I do like the word beloved! I have no objection toward it as its nice, but it seems that it has been used too often in funerals,tombstones,by Rabbis and priests to address the masses, its not private enough . You know how the Jewish people have given themselves the name of “The chosen people” I don’t see any harm in continuing the legacy of the word;” Chosen” ! I like you to meet my Chosen! Families; parents, sisters and brothers, we don’t choose, but partners we seem to always choose! So , I think its appropriate to use that word in describing them as. Yes,,we choose them to be what ever, and they choose or accept our choice! The rest will be just the common labels ,that we could attach; This is my chosen Husband, wife, partner, lover, boy friend, and so on. The common adjective will always be; ” Chosen” ! As we always and only choose one from so many. Any way the other labels are no body’s business what we chose them for! We know what we chose him or her for and that should be all it matters! They are the unique ones, so I would call them Chosen!
Your reply was thoughtful and I would encourage people to use it. My goal was less
to establish “beloved” as the norm then to see the need for alternatives. Monir has
truly done well. Song of Songs guides us to chosen as well.
Thank you Mr. Saxe for acknowldging my effort, its from the heart ! I think we all should review, and debate many of the labels that we have inherited from our elders, in a negative and positive ways. It will only teach us and encourage us to grow, and be more tolerant and compassionate instead of judgemental and discriminating in our auto reaction to those labels. The world is changing, and we should change with it while leaning to positivity.
I truly love “Chosen.” I like it as a noun, not so much as an adjective. The fact that one is chosen sets one apart, with nothing further needed. It speaks volumes of intense feeling.